“Nearly 5000 boys and girls were brought before the courts last year and in the last six months, the number has already increased by 33 percent,” according to James Nayagam, Executive Director of SHELTER.

“If there is one glaring contribution to this problem, it is that parents don’t spend enough time with their children, but have substituted their presence with a maid,” says Nayagam.

“Most parents think that everything is alright - they think their children are working on the computer, but they could be surfing pornographic sites! And parents tend to dismiss tell-tale signs. You know, if a car flashes a red light, then the car has a problem. If you deal with it when it is a small problem, you would probably resolve it quite easily. But if you wait or ignore it, it becomes a big, expensive and persistent problem. This could be the case when dealing with teenagers.

Some of the repercussions of broken relationships between parent and child are that the children no longer want to spend time at home. They play truant. Some girls run away with their boyfriends. Children also become closer to their friends and even imitate them. “They become brand conscious, they mark up the phone bills and their parents have to pay for them,” says Nayagam.

To keep up with their new-found lifestyles, some kids can become pushers for ecstasy pills and other drugs. Still other children can become violent or be substance abusers. They can cause harm and injury to others. They may be involved in theft, sexual offences or even gangsterism. These give them a sense of identity and belonging which they do not find in their families and homes.

BUT even the hardest of offenders can be turned around, if there is genuine love and concern given to them, says Nayagam. He says these sums up SHELTER’s rehabilitation programme. “Whatever backgrounds they come from, genuine love and concern is the basis of what is needed.”

He cites the example of a boy from a school in Petaling Jaya who was beyond parental control. His main past-time was bashing up other boys. By the time he was sent to SHELTER, he had been expelled from two schools. Once at the Home, the boy was taken care by a staff who became very involved in his life. She showed him genuine concern and he began to respond to her. That someone cared for him - this somehow brought him to the realization that he needed to do well in school. He asked to be readmitted in school. He studied hard and actually acquired 2A’s in his SPM. He is now studying engineering in a local college.

Referring to this example, Nayagam says, “When someone takes up a job in the Home, they can clean the house and ensure that the boys have their meals. But if in the process, they see to the needs of the boys – mend a torn shirt or extend motherly love – the kid will be moved and thinks, ‘she’s not my mum, but she is so thoughtful’. Something then changes in him,” said Nayagam.

Nayagam has lots to say about developing good parenting skills. “When dealing with children, the formal approach never works,” he said. “You need to play interactive games with them and relate with them. When that happens, you become more approachable to them.”

Be good listeners

“Teenagers need a listening ear,” he continued, “and this is what parents should be doing. They need to be good listeners and react later. You need to build their trust and this can only be achieved by spending time with them.”