Parenting
Parenting Tips for Dads
Traditionally, the family focus is on the mother-child relationship and it is easy for dads to feel a bit left out. To help dads with their crucial parenting role, we have listed the following useful tips:
- Learn to listen - It's never too early to learn to recognise the signs your child gives you. Remember, crying is a baby's main language and is designed to alert parents to their needs. In the early days, respond as quickly as possible to your child's crying.
- Repetition - Annoying as it can be, children repeat behaviour, even after you have told them not to do something. It is important to remember that this behaviour is normal and that the child is not being naughty.
- Set boundaries - It is still important to set reasonable boundaries for your child and to stick to them: children feel happier when they know where the limits are.
- Don't shout - When you set the boundaries, it is important not to be intimidating. Shouting may seem to work in the short term but it is more likely that a child will concentrate because of your behaviour rather than because of the rules you are stressing.
- Get down to their level - When a child is testing your limits, try and see things from their point of view. If they see an adult directing anger at them, it can be very scary. This not only means considering their opinions and listening to what they have to say, but literally kneeling down and addressing them at their level.
- Get physical - Provide plenty of opportunities for physical exercise. Make sure your child has the opportunity, every day if possible, to run around and do energetic things, such as playing with a ball, cycling or skipping. This is particularly useful for the child who seems to have too much energy.
- Praise - Give lots of specific praise when your child does something to please you. Try concentrating on the good behaviour and ignore minor naughty misbehaviour.
- Don't hit out - Smacking may look like it has the desired effect in the short term but ultimately you are teaching your child that hitting others will resolve a conflict. Sometimes, parents feel they need to smack a few times in order to get results - this is a dangerous spiral.
- Ask for help - Parenting is tough. Don't be afraid to seek help when you need it. If you feel you do not want to speak to your family or friends, you could call Shelter (603-79550663).
Encouraging Better Behaviour
Many parents say their children play the most important part in their lives. They bring joy and laughter. But being a parent isn't always easy. It can be challenging and exhausting. At such times parents who are normally loving and caring can find themselves 'losing it' and hitting their children.
Most parents think hitting children is not right, yet, in times of stress, anger or frustration, they find themselves lashing out. But many feel guilty afterwards and want to find better ways of handling difficult behaviour.
Positive parenting and positive discipline
The following techniques work with any child, regardless of temperament, background, culture or tradition. They build on a child's natural wish to please you, and will ensure a happier child and less stressed parents.
Babies behave as they do to get their needs met. When they cry or don't sleep, they are not doing this to be 'naughty' or to wind you up.
- 'Baby-proof' your home so your baby can enjoy challenges without the battles of what he/she is not allowed to touch.
- Use distraction with older babies - point out something happening out of the window when they head for the video player, or swap your keys for a toy if they try to grab them.
Toddlers: Most naughty behaviour in toddlers is part of normal development. All toddlers test limits, try to be independent, get into everything, get mad and have tantrums.
- Praise good behaviour that you want to encourage.
- If you ignore behaviour you don't like, it is less likely to be repeated.
- Keep 'No's' to a minimum.
- Acknowledge your child's feelings - 'I know you are cross'.
- Remain calm and reasonable.
School-age children: Being 'cheeky' or disobedient may be an indication of the natural desire in your child to assert independence and show he/she has a mind of his/her own.
- Listen to your child about their friends, their day, any worries that may make their behaviour worse.
- Keep criticisms to a minimum - only criticise a behaviour, not your child.
- A 'broken record' approach can work well - calmly repeating what you expect your child to do.
Teenagers: It is normal for young people to challenge you more - their friends start to exert a greater influence and they just can't go along with everything parents want.
- Don't take bad behaviour personally.
- Keep communicating.
- Try not to use threats or orders.
- Talk and negotiate solutions when there is a disagreement.
Saying sorry
Working at positive discipline takes a lot of energy. No parent can do it perfectly all the time. All parents have behaved in ways they regret - shouting or smacking. If it happens, say you are sorry, make up and try again. This teaches children a valuable lesson.
Why physical punishment is not a good idea
Parents may believe there are occasions when only a smack will do. For example, your child is really cheeky and disobedient; your toddler runs into the road; or one of your children bites a playmate. It can be tempting to think a smack sorts out these incidents quickly, but it does nothing to teach your child how you want him to behave. Instead, it:
- Gives a bad example of how to handle strong emotions
- May lead children to hit or bully others
- May lead children to lie, or hide feelings to avoid smacking
- Can make defiant, uncooperative behaviour worse, so that disciplining gets even harder
- Can make children feel resentful and angry - which can spoil family relationships if it goes on for a long time.
I was smacked as a child - did my parents get it wrong?
These days we know a great deal more about why children behave as they do, and about the effects of smacking. Our parents did the best they could at the time. Modern parents choose parenting without the pain, for child or adults.
Top ten ways to be a great parent without smacking
- Give love and warmth as much as possible
- Have clear simple rules and limits.
- Be a good example
- Praise good behaviour so that it will increase
- Ignore behaviour you don't want repeated
- Criticise behaviour, not your child.
- Reward good behaviour by hugs and kisses
- Distract younger children or use humour
- Allow children some control - choices, joint decisions
- If a punishment is necessary, then removal of privileges, 'time out', or natural consequences all work better than smacking.
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